How to stop people pleasing 101
“Am I a pathological people pleaser?”
Questions to Ask Yourself:
Do I feel guilty when I cancel plans or have to tell someone “no”?
Do I often say "yes" to things I don’t have the time, energy, or interest for?
When makings plans, do I consider other’s schedule before my own?
Do I feel responsible for other people’s feelings and outcomes in situations?
Do I avoid conflict at all costs, even when it means compromising my own needs or values?
When someone is upset, do I immediately assume it’s my fault or feel the need to fix it?
Do I feel uncomfortable or selfish when I focus on my own needs?
If you find yourself agreeing with more than three of these scenarios, you are likely a people pleaser. If you find yourself agreeing with five or more, you may be a pathological people pleaser.
“Why am I a people pleaser?”
Understanding the psychology behind people-pleasing tendencies is the key to addressing the issue. Reflect on the beginning of this behavior. Were like this since childhood? If so, think about the role models you had growing up. Did you have a caregiver who exhibited people-pleasing tendencies?
Or maybe you developed this tendency as an adult. Did you have a relationship—whether it be a family member, coworker, friend or significant other—that would pull you into a guilt trip or threaten you with loosing certain benefits? Whether intentional or not, they may have been using emotional manipulation.
People pleasing is a trauma response
Often times, people pleasing is a trauma response out of fear of losing either a relationship or role. Even if you’ve cut out the relationship that started your people pleasing ways, you may still feel guilty or have fears of losing other relationships. This can have a domino effect by overcompensating in new relationships, which teaches the new people in your life to be complacent with receiving more than they give—even if they don’t have an inclination towards manipulating and using. After all, how often does anyone reject being spoiled rotten…
People pleasing is a distraction from insecurities
Another reason for people-pleasing behavior can be envy and insecurity. These emotions can be uncomfortable to admit to even ourselves. Just because we reject these truths within us, doesn’t mean they don’t exist. So, how do they come out? As people pleasing—serving as a means of a psychological distraction from an uncomfortable truth.
Looking up to someone can be motivational at best. At worst, it makes us compare, makes us feel small, and pick at all our dislikes in the mirror, envying what we don’t have.
Having positive role models are good for our growth. However, when we shift into a negative perspective of envy and insecurity, we put people on a pedestal, where we overvalue them and undervalue ourselves. This strains not only ourselves but also the other person because we create an image around them that isn’t possible to uphold. Overvaluing someone can lead us to give more than we receive.
How to stop people pleasing
Identify the Core Issue
Reflect on why you became a people pleaser. Is it rooted in a toxic relationship that you’ve carried into the rest of your life? Or does it stem from negative feelings about yourself? Understanding the root cause will determine the next steps to healing.
How to stop people pleasing as a trauma response.
Blog coming soon.
How to stop people pleasing: a distraction from our own insecurities.
Blog coming soon.
Conclusion
People-pleasing is often a deeply ingrained habit, but it’s not an identity. By identifying the root causes of your behavior—whether it’s a trauma response, insecurity, or something else—you can begin the journey toward healthier relationships and self-respect.
Breaking free from people-pleasing requires practice, patience, and self-compassion. Remember, saying "no" doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you human. Prioritizing your needs allows you to show up authentically for yourself and others.
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About the Author: Coach Dee
Deborah Park, known as Coach Dee, is the owner of Drip Training LLC and an ACE Certified Personal Trainer and Health Coach. With a background in architecture and kinesiology from the University of Virginia, she has extensive experience in personal training and athletic coaching in a clinical (physical therapy) setting. Coach Dee combines her scientific knowledge with years of hands-on experience to create programs that empower clients to regain control over their bodies and minds.
Her journey into personal training was deeply influenced by her personal struggles, including recovering from a life-changing car accident that led to PTSD and pain from scoliosis. This experience gave her a unique understanding of the connection between mental health and physical well-being. Coach Dee is committed to helping clients develop resilience, build strength, and rediscover their confidence—no matter the challenges they face.
